My iPad is playing up and I can’t quite get to grips with the new laptop, it’s been a busy few days, my excuses for the absence anyway.
With Mum and Dad both away in different countries, ( not great planning we all agree) I’m on intensive grandma duty for a whole week.
Tomorrow is the last day, and even now, I know I’ll miss my charges, they have both been good fun.
Logistics I’ll admit have been a challenge at times, getting both of them to different schools in ‘rush’ hour traffic has been a military operation, but so far no one has been late and we’ve remembered everything we need.
It doesn’t stop there though, there is football training, jazz and tap, acro, swimming and more after school football, and of course Hettie needs walking and we all need to eat!
Inside the school hours I’ve spent more in the supermarket than I can remember in a long time, and the pile of washing never seems to go down.
But every second is worth it. They kids are confident and happy. After a week now I think thoughts are turning to their own home, but there have been no tears or drama.
I admit feeling very anxious at the start. Last week’s counselling session left me very confused and I felt a real dip in my confidence levels. Anxiety isn’t an emotion that often overwhelms me, but I did feel strangely unsure of my capabilities. A nasty tension, and a churning tummy which made me wonder if raking over the coals of the past was a good idea.
Thankfully a couple of old friends have helped me to put things in perspective.
- It’s not even six months since Ken died yet.
- Opening the Pandora’s box of deeply buried emotions and feelings is bound to have consequences.
- Recognising what I am experiencing is a positive thing – and something to discuss at the next session.
A couple of things have gone a bit wrong this week, the main one being I didn’t get into the Leeds game when my ticket didn’t scan – long story, but the sheer disappointment and fear of letting down my grandson was enough to almost overwhelmed me. I had psyched myself up so much in preparation.
I wanted to cry, not just about that, about life, the dam holding back much more than I thought was suddenly in fear of being released. Thankfully I kept myself together, but as we sat on a wall watching hundreds of fans pass us by, I felt terrible.
Thankfully after a forty five minute diversion James once again came to the rescue – the boys did get to see the most dismal of nil nil draws.
Moving on, I’ve learnt of another dementia death today, and my heart goes out to another wife now widow from our era. The range of emotions is unquantifiable, grief and relief a powerful cocktail all of us face. Young onset dementia certainly knows how to mess with heads.
The kids are just in bed, my grandson has realised he thinks he left his school shoes at school after football training, they’re not in his bag anyway, he walked to the car in his footie boots.
All is calm. It’ll wait until the morning.
Then Dad can take over.
