I want to thank everyone who has helped me through the past few weeks, I have been much loved despite probably not appreciating it. Last night at counselling I suddenly realised I wasn’t grieving for the past I was grieving for the future. The one we should have or would have had, if life dealt Ken a different hand.
The penny dropped.
Ken would’ve hated any more years wearing nappies and being fed on a spoon. I am glad his spirit is now free. But what that leaves is a black hole that I’ve been desperately trying to fill with distraction and projects, trying to heal the years of care that have a price.
A decade grieving Ken in stages, living with the relentless responsibility of caring for him. Staying strong, practical, resourceful and emotionally resilient. Maybe it was when that responsibility finally ended, I was left with something I perhaps hadn’t had the luxury of experiencing before: the space to think.
I see now it isn’t the past that need forensic examination, I’ve not tried to bury my thoughts indeed I’ve shared them with the world. It is the future that fills me with fear, I’ve been feeling lost and empty in an abyss. Is this my everything from now on?
I don’t think I’m unique, feeling the freedom I have now is tainted. I understand now the courage and strength needs to be replenished and I thought change was the only way to do that. Maybe I’ve been trying to look ahead still carrying the exhaustion of the past.
I could finish all the counsellors sentences last night in my head, I understand grief and pain, I decided that yesterday would be my last session for now, maybe forever. The help I need is to move forward, in which ever way that is.
The future I expected is ended, but from every end comes a new beginning, maybe for the first time in my life it is mine to discover.
