Beginning again

Starting a new site has definitely confused WordPress, but I link the new link is working now after a frustrating age with a very polite online helpline.

So where are we now?

Being a widow has certainly brought me clarity in the eyes of others.

I’ve been a wife, then definitely more a carer, then when Ken went into the nursing home became a wife again, though as we know to a husband who was a very different man to the one I married.

I’ve been in the shadows so long even I have felt my identity was blurred, not really married, not really widowed, definitely not single.

I have had a lot of forms to fill in recently, ticking the ‘widow’ box was a reality check, this is who I am now.

One thing is for certain though it will not be what defines me. I watched the Netflix series Victoria and saw how a beautiful confident woman shrouded herself in black after her beloved Albert died. I know that that was a very different time and everyone deals with the loss of loved ones in different ways, but it won’t be my way.

I’m sure I didn’t love Ken any less than Victoria her Albert, but dementia taught me a massive lesson.

Life is to be lived.

Livinglifeafterdeath isn’t all going to be doom and gloom. When I write things down in away it becomes a commitment. I’ve told you so I have to do it!

I’ve learnt the tough way to value everything, let petty matters dissolved before they become big issues. I’ve learnt to respect other’s opinions but value my own. I can fight with diplomacy when I have to, and say sorry when I’ve got it wrong.

Being Ken’s advocate has brought a courage I didn’t know that I had, I’ve faced people in authority, negotiated CHC and stood up for Ken in multidisciplinary meetings of powerful people to fight for what is right. Not just for us, for others.

Dementia is a leveller, an indiscriminate disease that really couldn’t care less if you are rich, famous, intelligent or are just an ordinary human like me.

That has helped shape this 64 year old Grandma into who I am today.

I’ve said many times before that I believe in good. That the universe puts us on a certain path for a reason. Sometimes it can be very hard at the time to understand why life can be so unfair.

Things happen for a reason.

We all learn from mistakes, of course there are things I’ve got very wrong in the past, but I’m not going to repeat them again.

I was so lucky that Ken understood how his life would change when he got his diagnosis. He was incredibly generous and made it very clear how I was to be when he was gone.

‘Be strong, be beautiful, keep shining’ he once wrote in a birthday card. Probably the last one he ever had the ability to write, Little did I know what the future held then, but I understand that message now.

I’ve still a lot to process, but at my core I know I’m going to be okay. Grief is the price we pay for love, but to be honest I feel that my loss has been long and slow. Like many others I’ve spoken too in my situation – and believe me I’ve been to many funerals; death comes as a release and relief to those most honest about their feelings.

The trick is not to feel guilty, but that can be much harder than it sounds. I am the survivor in our marriage, with that comes responsibility.

Ken would want me to move forward, I’ve a lot of people relying on me to do that, and with you by my side we will see where we go.